You’ve got your potion brewed, powders powdered, and the stars are just a few days from coming into alignment. You’re so close to completing the ritual, you can almost taste it. But there’s still one pesky ingredient you can’t seem to get quite right—picking the perfect person to sacrifice. But don’t worry, we’ve all been there!
It can be a real challenge to find the right person to murder in order to complete your ritual – be it a routine resurrection spell, or a more complex cleansing ceremony—so we’ve come up with some not-so-subtle suggestions to help you find “the one” (to murder).
Remember, these spells are important, and not to be used just as an excuse to kill someone who’s a detriment to humankind as a whole. If your sacrifice happens to be an awful person, it’s just a happy coincidence (and really, probably the only good thing they could ever have contributed to society).
Kyle From Accounting
Straight up, fuck this guy. You’ve never met a duller, more unnecessary human male in your life. It took him two full months to get you on payroll and he never explained or apologized! Some of us actually need money, Kyle! He never washes his dishes in the break room, breathes really heavily, and is always trying to bring up how awful his ex-wife was. Guess what, Kyle? I’d have dumped you after a week of marriage too, which I assume is the amount of time it takes the average woman to wrestle back control of her mind after it’s been possessed by any number/variety of really malicious demons.
Anyway, it would certainly be no gift to any deity to have him delivered on a silver sacrificial platter, but goddammit, it’s high time someone did! Plus, he’s totally racist.
Your Dad’s Friend Tripp
What. Is. Up. With. This. Guy. Ever since you were about thirteen, your dad started bringing around this guy Tripp from his ball hockey team. Right from the get-go, Tripp was a fucking lunatic. Even as a kid you could tell he was garbage. He smoked inside even though your mom asked him not to, never took his shoes off, never got your name right. Often, loudly, from the basement where he and your dad were watching the game, you could hear Tripp sermonizing about “The Asians”, “The Liberals” and the “Women” as taking jobs and generally not belonging wherever they were. He was personal friends with Rob Ford before Rob Ford was even a thing! When you came back that first summer after university he pinched your butt and then laughed it off as an accident but you know it was intentional because he’s fuckin’ Tripp. Come to think of it, your dad was probably a total asshole too since he was friends with this guy, but that’s another story, and he’s dead now.
Anyway, Tripp is total garbage. Kill Tripp. Might be a bit tough to get a hold of him since last I heard he was back in the States working for the NRA, but worth a shot.
Jessica H. At The Bank
Calling her an acquaintance is a bit of a stretch, I guess, but that bank teller Jessica is a real piece of work. You came in to get a direct deposit form, not snide remarks about your balance! And the other time you got her till, she made a very thinly-veiled dig about your outfit that day. (A denim onesie is appropriate to wear in public, I’ve seen pictures of Rihanna doing it!)
Honestly, the biggest reason I suggest Jessica is because you see her on the bus a lot, making the already depressing commute that much worse. Not only are you reminded twice daily of your poverty in the form of taking the bus, but also in the super judgy, super thin form of this woman; who clearly can’t be doing that much better than you but who manages to always look put together and probably has benefits and somehow always gets a seat and I guess she has every right to think you’re a mess you probably are and everyone sees it but you.
Anyway, the proximity of her apartment to yours would make kidnapping her for the sacrifice pretty convenient.
Other Kyle, The One You Slept With Once In University
Remember this guy? Oh man.
The best part is, you could just say “you know what you did” before the final incantations, and he’d truly have no idea, because he’s just that much of a scumbag.
That said, maybe a biiiit too vengeful. I don’t know. Think on it.
Nosy Mrs. Perkins
Your upstairs neighbour Mrs. Perkins has really started to up her game in terms of being the absolute worst. Watching Netflix at 6pm? She’ll come down to tell you it’s disturbing her nap. But also what are you watching? Oh, she doesn’t like that movie, too much cursing, you know. A real shame that a nice girl like you would expose herself to something so vulgar as The Goonies.
Have a friend over and are conversing with them at a reasonable volume at 8pm? She’ll come down to tell you she couldn’t help overhearing you mention that you’re glad Harper’s out of office, but don’t you realize Harper’s the only one who cared about the real citizens of this mess you kids call a country!
Trying to sleep at 6am? She’s got her sewing machine going, and it’s right above your bed.
If this is what she’s like at 34, just imagine what’ll be like for anyone else who lives there when she’s old! Pay it forward, and sacrifice her today.
That Weirdo Darryl
Yeah, it would be giving in to what he wants, and a bit of a “fuck you” to a lot of other witches who found him too gross to sacrifice, but you have to admit, it would really speed this sacrifice along, with him coming willingly—nay, gratefully—along. Ugh, but it would involve a prolonged amount of time in his presence (before his death at your hands). Hmm, maybe not, then. Stupid Darryl.
televanessa 